The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
