i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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