You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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