I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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