I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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