Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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