I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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