I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
