it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
