Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
