Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
