even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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