Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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