btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
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And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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