at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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