I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
