Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
