SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
