Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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