Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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