Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
