apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
