cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
