My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
