areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
