There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
