I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
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I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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