I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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