I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
