Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
