I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
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Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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