She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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