wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
