just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
