My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
