Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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