I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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