3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Drunk is not a location!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
