ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
