i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think my vagina is haunted
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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