I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
