Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
