Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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