I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
