Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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