the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
