Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
