Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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