i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
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He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
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i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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