I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
