I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
