I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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