I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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