Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
