i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
