Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Text me some of your sweat
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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