he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
